Serious story time! And by serious, I mean like, put down your crown and maybe just pet your puppy because it’s about to get kinda sad.😬 I’ll just apologize ahead of time for the depth of melancholy I’m about to explain to you.
So I’ve been sick with Lyme disease suspectedly (yes I made suspectedly a word) since I was young, like maybe 5 or 6 years old. And with being sick all the time comes with amazing benefits such as anxiety, depression, etc. And I say that last line as sarcastically as I can because in all reality it’s awful to be sick all the time and get the added bonus of getting anxiety and depression.
I have been dealing with anxiety practically my whole life, which is really crazy when I think about it because you can’t imagine a four year old getting anxiety, but really that was the age it all started for me. I lost a loved one at the age of three, the day before my fourth birthday. I was there as I watched death do it’s work in front of my eyes. As a four year old, you don’t know how to explain the experience of watching death, so for me I enternalized my emotions of the traumatic event. I kept those emotions internalized until I was nearly eight years old as I watched death take hold of another loved one. It was hard, I was still only a kid yet I knew death so well already. I never really understood it, or how God and heaven worked, death was just like this ambiguous figure that kept taking people I loved.
My anxiety didn’t really begin to surface though until I was asked to constantly describe and relive those moments where I watched death take hold of my loved ones. I started counseling when I was eight, and though I will always love and adore the woman who was my counselor, she only scratched the surface of my death experiences. Sometimes people think the only way to get over the problem or the fear is to talk it out, for me that wasn’t really the case. Constantly having to describe the times I saw death take hold of those I loved got exhausting emotionally. Living it once was more than enough, I watch the memories flash through my head too many times to count, why make me explain them aloud? It was so much for my little eight year old mind. It became so bad that I began getting anxiety attacks in school. I didn’t even want to leave my room, my parents would have to bribe me to go to school. So now the majority of my memories from second grade are of constantly being in the nurses office hyperventilating and having breakdowns. Well, I do have some fond memories of playing with my little ponies at rescess, but I can get into the fun my little pony details another time.😉
Anxiety is a difficult connotation. Describing what it’s like, is like describing colors to a blind person, nearly impossible. Everyone experiences anxiety differently. For me, my anxiety is like my shadow. It may not always be seen but it’s apart of me and follows me wherever I go. Anything can set off a panic attack, and the hardest part is trying to keep the pain and fear from surfacing within my eyes and having a complete breakdown in front of my friends or family. I will over analyze quite a lot. Such as, what people say, my actions, a school test, or even the silly little things like how someone is looking at me. It can be a terrible shadow to have following you around, as it whispers little lies and nothings into your ears. It is exhausting.
It is sadly true that even princesses can have their dark shadows full of fear and doubt.
For me, all I can do is polish my crown and place it high on my head once more and carry on with my head high as best as I can manage. Ive come to realize that not all days are going to be good. Some days are going to be filled with more fear and anxiety than some, and though that takes a lot of getting used to, it’s okay that this happens. There will be happy days and bad days, days that make you cry, and days that make you double over in laughter. There will always be good and bad. And that’s ok. It’s learning to find the good in the bad and balancing it.
My anxiety will always be around, so it’s learning to tame the beast. It can be exhausting, and depressing but I know I will come out a stronger and better girl because of it. Having anxiety can be like running a marathon, tough and extremely tiring, but in the end you will become stronger than you ever thought you cold be because you endured the hard ships with such grace.
Sometimes you have to take care of your self and not care about what other people may think about you being sick all the time. This can be a hard pill to swallow, it was for me because all I want is to be there and help people all the time in whatever way I can, but how can I do that when I’m constantly fighting my sickness? I know I have to realize that I’m not always going to be able to be there for everyone, as much as I want to, because I have to take care of myself too and win my battle.
Because I know I can make it through any battle.
And so can you.
You can conquer any battle you warrior princess or prince! You are strong. More strong than you give yourself credit for.
So keep conquering those battles, keep wining those wars, keep slaying your dragon, and keep that crown held high on your head. You are beautiful and lovely.